I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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