haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
