If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
