my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
