How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
