He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
