Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
