it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
