apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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