he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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