just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
