oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
