I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
