Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
