There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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