I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
