id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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