There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Randomize
