I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
