Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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