I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
