i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
