my phone needs a breathalizer
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
