people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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