we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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