My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
