I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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