I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
