I smell stomach acid.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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