dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Life without a bra equals bliss.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
