if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity