i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
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even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...