hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
