fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
