went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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