I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
