Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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