I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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