Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
