I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
