When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
