i think my tv is drunk
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
