We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
