Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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