I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
