Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
