my mouth tastes like poor choices
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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