UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
