shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
