I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
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Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
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Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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