Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
