He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
