The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
FUCK WHALES
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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