she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
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I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
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In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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