Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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