ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
