we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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