Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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